Raison d'être.

i have a few things that i would like to accomplish this month and into september.

i want to get my act together. stop going out all the time, cut back on smoking, worry about myself and where i want to be headed instead of worrying about what “you” are doing or if there is an “us”. i want to get rid of the negative things i have surrounding me at the moment…

i want to be more motivated. school starts next friday and i waited awhile to register for classes (financial aid crap took forever to find out if i qualified. i did). so when i finally registered,i could only go half time. most classes were full. so, i want to continue to get good grades and not go out til who knows when in the morning and be a zombie in class.

lastly, i want to focus my attention towards my family. i have left them in the dark for the last couple months. i moved into my moms full time in december and now i barely see my dad. i have recently started to go over there more and i hope i continue to. because i know it hurts him to not have me around anymore. i need to be there for my little sister and give her something to look up to… i was quite the trouble in my early years of highschool and i don’t need her to follow my example. i need to spend more time with my mom, her mom (my grandma) is dying and she needs me more then ever. but my way of dealing with things is to pretend that nothing is wrong. i need to stop. she does everything for me; i should be there for her.

sorry this is so long.

DAY 6

i don’t have a favorite “super hero”. but if i had a hero it would be my mom. may sound cheesy but i don’t care. she survived cancer, she’s a single mother, and she has put up with all the crap i have thrown her way. but she still loves me and is always there. always.

i am out of it for the moment.

stress piles up brick by brick.

my mind is going a million miles per hour.

you topped it off like a cherry on a sundae.

that’s when everything came crashing down.

the weight was too much to bare.

now i’m trying to pull myself back up.

and it’s taking longer then i thought.

i can’t change you or us.

but i can change every other thing going wrong.

you will become a faded dream.

because what we have will never become clear.

i don’t want to be going no where.

like a flickering light, i can be fixed.

with a simple change i will shine.

oh it’s ok! the hustle and bustle of the city was my favorite. there is always something new and interesting going on. but i totally know what you mean when you say it gets boring being in one place for so long. i wish i could just travel and move place to place for a bit and experience things. minnesota is alright. ha there are some great people and not so great. just like anyother place. i just wish there was more to do here. i don’t live far from minneapolis though, so i head to the city once and awhile. i lucked out with the whole going to europe thing too. my dad offered it to me as a graduation present instead of having a grad party. hellloooooo of couurse i’d pick the trip lol.

in his room i write this.

sitting in his bed i write this.

using his computer i write this.

drinking from his beer i write this.

while he is in another room doing another line.

after he left me here for hours to get his drugs.

before he told me i was beautiful and walked right out that door.

without a goodbye or an evening kiss.

i sat up for hours wondering if he’d return.

and now it’s 4 in the morning.

and i sit here while he is home.

however i am still alone.

off in another world he is.

his eyes glazed over.

his words become unmeaningful.

still i sit.

waiting in his room.

awake.

not knowing why i’m here, i write this.